Friday, January 21, 2005

Dear Jive Turkey,

We finally finished our new song "Second Cousin" last night, a jaunty tune about the forbidden fruit of family affairs. It was a long and painful birthing process, but Niki is convinced that it will be the Sweet Caroline to our Neil Diamond. I wonder if Neil had stretchmarks after writing his hit.

Steamy Quotes From Last Night's Show

On our future...

Niki: We're done! We're shitburg! We're going places!

On the past...

Niki: (reminiscing) I used to be a bartender. (sniffle)

Lainey: You'll always be a bartender to me.

Niki: (touched) Aw... (pause) huh?

Lainey: Now go get me a drink.

On witchcraft...

Niki and Lainey were both seperately really into witchcraft as wee steamies. They acquired as much reading material and supplies as possible.

Niki: I got disillusioned after I realized I couldn't do stuff with it.

Lainey: Me too, I was like, "I can't levitate things."

Niki: Levitate! I was like, "Why aren't you dead yet?!"

On flipper babies...

Niki: What's a coupla' flipper babies between family?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Dear Jive Turkey,

Today our hopes were crushed. Again. We had to give up the throne in the beauty pageant because the judges absolutely *refused* to crown us both Queen Pretty. We told them from the beginning that we had to share the title, or neither of us could fulfill her royal duties. But they ignored our stipulation and thus we were forced to bow out, knocking over the podium in a destructive yet dainty tantrum as we went.

The Queen Pretty pageant is a brutal one; full of lies, social-climbers, and itchy fabrics. There is no room for your humanity. Puke it up with your lunch in the ladies' room.

On the up side, pageants a-plenty await our graces in the future. We will win back the twinkling eye of lady luck and poke her in it.

The Steamies

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Fantasy fillies on parade

Steamy Namedropping!

Frank Santorelli from TV's the Sopranos thinks we talk too much and show too much boob!

Ha! Like you can ever show enough boob. He likes us, though, and has offered Lainey an alternative if things don't work out with that other guy.

Guess it's time to tone down our illegal sexiness. So illegal!

Speaking of illegal...

Niki's Steamy Survival Kit!

Visine - the whites of your eyes shouldn't be pinks.
Lip Gloss - so people are distracted by shine and look at your lips instead of your high eyes.
Perfume - so people can't smell your forbidden stink.
Eyelash Curler - It's Big-sine. Makes your eyes not look so baked.

Remember kids: Never let 'em see you sober! Then they'll never know the difference.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

The Cursed Bowl

(An ocarina has been used for dramatic purposes - eerie pipe flute doo doo doo doo doo a la brady bunch goes to hawaii special)

The Scene: New Year's Eve, Harvard Square

So, As usual, after a show, the Steamies took an entourage and their parents to a smoking circle near an unnamed comedy place and a parked paddywagon.

We had just begun passing around our respective apparati when a staggering man with floppy hair and a goatee staggers by...

GOATEE GUY: Hey... youguysasmoking one-hitters?

STEAMIES: Who wants to know?

GOATEE: Me. Can I join in?


STEAMIES: Uh... we guess so.

GOATEE: Don't worry, I brought my own.

5 minutes pass during which this guy shares his green and is immediately deemed "cool."

GOATEE: You girls are AWESOME!

NICOLE: (hands him business card) Come see us perform. We rule!

GOATEE: I don't live here. But thanks.

Then everyone leaves and he hands us his bowl.

GOATEE: This isn't mine. Want me to pack it for you?

STEAMIES: It's not ours.

GOATEE: Well, it's that other guy's.


Exit GOATEE who staggers away.

Nicole pockets the apparatus knowing full well that the only other guy there was our friend's husband who doesn't pack any heat.

LAINEY: This is going to come back to bite us in the ass. This is a CURSED BOWL!

NICOLE: Free bowl! Yay! (rejoices)

Then we receive this email (the name, phone number, and email address have been changed to mock him).

From: "One-hitter guy" <>
Subject: one hitter
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 22:43:52 -0500
hi, nicole and elaine my name is rick i talked to one of you on sunday evening regarding my one hitter that you ladies used with my friend rob w/ the goatee on new years eve. anyways im well to send u a prepaid envelope w/ my adderss on it for u to mail my one hitter. e-mail me back or call me at 508-555-5555 to let me know if thats ok also w/ ur adderss thanks much and happy new years hear from u soon-
one-hitter guy

Fuck, Niki gave the drunk guy our Business card.

Now we have to give it back because it's cursed.

Moral of the story
Don't give out business cards to drunken strangers, peetard!!!