Jive Turkey

Pajama Party in Worcester!!

2007-03-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Come out to play, and wear your skanky best!!

2006-11-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Castle Von Steamy, Wormtown!

The people are more nude! There is more leather! We spank the crap out of everyone! New Story! Oh yeah, and a NEW FRICKEN SONG to be unveiled!

That's right, Bold and all Caps. We're not fooling around. This ain't no disco.

Next Thursday, it puts the lotion in the basket and the ball gag in its mouth!

STARRING:

The Human Floor Tons of chicks stand on him. Don't worry, he likes it. Or maybe you should worry.

Miss Adventure will juggle away with your heart. Probably the hottest juggler ever!

The Boston Babydolls will dance and disrobe for your leering pleasure!

Bethany Ven Delft falls into the "How can she be so funny and so hot?" conundrum.

Tony Moschetto will make you submissive with laughter

Andy O'Fiesh the naked comedian. Yes, naked. For Reals. And this is the only guy that's ever made Big V and Crazy Dave cry laughing.

And did we mention the band?

Holy Shit, we've managed to book FLUTTR EFFECT!

Anything can happen! You may even fall in love!

Tell everyone! Put our flyer on your myspace page if you dare. It will bring you good luck!

More Exclamations!

xoxoxoxox

niki and lainey

This Thursday! Jerkus Circus: The fetish show. The Lizard Lounge

2006-10-30T17:24:00.000-08:00

We will spank the shit out of you if you're not careful!

Welcome to Castle Von Steamy!

The Human floor gets squished by his Mistress!

Miss Demeanor shows you why she is a "Maneater."

Miss Adventure will juggle her way into your heart!

Bethany Van Delft is almost too hot to be so funny!

Any O' Fiesh will tell you his hilarious secrets while partially nude!

Little Red Coquette and La Belle Margaux will tantalize you!

The Boston Babydolls will teasingly undress for you!

LiveSexAct will play your favorite songs you may or may not have heard before!

Plus Other exclamations!

9:30 PM

Wear some fetish gear for a reduced ticket price!

xoxoxo

niki and lainey

2006-10-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

We're not Salmon and we don't like to swim upriver.

So, in the spirit of hitching one's egg sack to someone else's fishy behind, we're paying tribute to the Rocky Horror Picture Show being put on by Foothills Theater in Worcester all month.....

Sweet Transvestites and slutty heroines, start darning your fishnets for The Rocky Steamy Horror Show!

Next Thursday at Ralph's; pageantry, themed burlesque, comedians we may or may not have had illicit sex behind a screen with, jugglers we want to make out with, and other phrases ending with a preposition

We will be dressed up. Other people you will probably want to hook up with will be also. The Ralph's staff will be in their underpants. You should be too! We will overlook the "no shoes, no shirt, no service" policy so that you can wear your boxer briefs and have a pabst.

Get drunk in your underwear! And also, go check out the foothills production!

xoxoxox

niki and lainey

The Steamies fill out a Girlfriend application!

2006-05-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

You've all seen them!

"Hey, fill out my internet girlfriend application! Pay attention to me!"

Well, we did!

BASICS:
Name: The Steamy Bohemians
Age: Early Late Twenties

Location: Your coolest dreams
Height: 5'- 5'4"
Hair (color and style): Vintage Blonde and Vintage Skunk Stripe
Eyes: Brown/Brown
Piercings/tattoos: 1 belly piercing, one fish tattoo
Measurements: 55-22-36

OTHER:
Where would we go on dates? probably in our van
Who are three (or more) of your favorite bands/artists? Us, Spinal Tap, The Monkees
Do you drink/smoke?? not cigarettes.....
Do you like the rain? just not in our hair
If so...would you play in it with me? yes, if you let us wear shower caps
Do you like movies? yes
If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? sure
Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together?sure, but we'd probably steal your wallet
Would you kiss my forhead, no, but your forehead is ok
Favorite body part on a guy? whatever doesn't smell
What would you say is the best thing about yourself? our pronounciation
Would you give me kisses just because? is giving us $20 "just because,"? if so, yes

What Would You do if...
I said I liked you: say thank you
I kissed you: ran away
I was hospitalized: feel sorry for you
I ran away from home: aren't you a little old for that?
We got in a fight: drop kicks
I got dumped: "poor baby"
I pissed you off: I'm gonna git you sucka@!
Grabbed your butt: No me gusta!
Came up from behind and put my arms around you: Judo Chop

we'd make bad girlfriends.... but we're trying!

smooches!!!

Niki and Lainey

do we win?

26 to Watch in 2006

2006-01-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

Finally, We're FAMOUS!!!!

Worcester's Sweethearts

The Steamy Bohemians - Nicole Luparelli & Lainey Schulbaum
Age 26 (both) :: Singers, Musicians, Comedians :: Worcester

What do you get when you mix music, comedy, and sex appeal? You get the Steamy Bohemians. After spending the last 2 years playing comedy festivals and clubs like the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas, The Comedy Connection in Providence, and Jimmy Tingle’s Off Broadway, and racking up awards from the Lizard Lounge Comedy Contest and Laugh Across America, The Steamy Bohemians finally have their own show, “Circus Jerkus.” Lainey and Nicole met in college when both were studying voice and performing solo as stand-up comedians. They collaborated on a jingle for a massage parlor and immediately realized that two Bohemians are funnier than one. Just listen to songs “The Less You Talk, the More I like You,” “Is that Okay? (The Stalker Song),” and “My Love for You (The Mayonnaise Song) and you’ll agree. With original humor that ranges from the raucous to the marvelously silly, and playing an assortment of instruments including piano, guitar, voice, tambourine, banana shaker, finger cymbals and washboard, The Steamy Bohemians are single-handedly bringing back a nearly-lost form of entertainment, the variety show ~ and they’re bending, perverting, expanding, and Bohemianizing it with no apologies. When you come experience the SB’s for yourself (catch them every third Thursday at Ralph’s Chadwick Square Diner), remember that “Yes, you can buy us a drink… but no, we won’t split it.”

xoxoxox

Niki and lainey

Jerkus Circus Post-Holiday Letdown Show!

2006-01-09T12:34:00.000-08:00

The generic winter holiday season has passed and you haven't drunk yourself to death in a gutter.

Good job, champ!

Ugh, but now it's shitty January and you're still bummed out.

Well, chin up, soldier! We have just the medicine you need!

(No, not heroin!)

It's the Jerkus Circus Post-Holiday Letdown Show!

See Human Oddities from Around the World!
Starring :

Tony Moschetto: If you like to laugh uncontollably while simultaneously being slightly creeped out, well, you'll like him too.Swedish Bum

E.J. Murphy: South Boston's sweet Comedic Revenge
E.J. Murphy

Some Foreigners!

Alex Fulski- Funniest Non-talking comedian EVER!

Joe Wong- He's running for president, and your heart!

Sexy Ladies doin' stuff!
La Gata Negra
: These gorgeous masked ladies of wrestling will make you forget all your troubles while they kick your sorry ass!

Nikki (No, not our Niki) will bellydance your cares away. Bring your dollars, because it's hip to tip!

Plus all new jokes, put-downs, and sketches from the Steamies!

Bring everyone over 21 you've ever met!

The holidays may have let you down, but we won't!

More halloweenie

2005-10-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

The human floor makes our feet feel weird

Like wading through jello

The premier performance of the Suicide Doors

xoxoox

Behold our halloweenie!!!

2005-10-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

Good times, good tunes, good buddies.
Don't miss the next Jerkus Circus on Thursday, November 17th!

Lainey is so coy!

Lainey and Niki suspiciously sneaking out of the ladies room.

Peter Dutton scares the shit out of some locals.

The lovely and hilarious Val Kappa. Note the fansuper sign.

Cap'n Jack Sparrow and the forbidden love of a Red Sox fan

The bellydancing majesty of miss Jenny Leigh

Niki and Michelle want to be bellydancers, or want to spell something.

Ben the bartender turns away in apathy.

xoxoxox
niki and lainey!

Dear Mick Jagger,

2005-09-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

Our cool uncle recently played "She's so cold" for us when we were waiting for our pharmacist to arrive. Mick, what the hell? Seriously. "Put your hand on the heat"???

What does that even mean? If it means what we think it does, we are shocked and chagrined. Come on, you're old enough to be everybody's grandpa. We're not putting our hands on your friggen heat! Not even one of us! Not even if we had stiff muscles and needed you to give us a heating pad to relax them.

In conclusion, keep those pot handles turned in and keep turning in to pot, kids!

xoxoxo

niki and lainey

Kissing Frogs

2005-09-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

Niki: Check out these callouses! They're from using hot curlers.

Lainey: That is devotion to a hairstyle. Too bad they look like warts.

Niki: They're not warts! *wipes them on Lainey*

Lainey: Yuck, don't infect me with your warts!

Niki: Now you're gonna have to kiss a frog and lick his genitals!

A frog told me that.

Fricken Tricky German Frogs!

kisses!

niki and lainey

Jerkus Circus comin' to gitcha!

2005-09-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

Although no animals were harmed during the show, a blow-up sheep was fingered, a rubber chicken molested, and a taxidermed crow flew again.
Thanks again to everyone who came out! Don't forget, this happens the third Thursday of every month at Ralph's with different freaky acts!

Beginning of the night. Lainey's not taking any crap.

Singing "that stalker song"

Nevermore!

Barry Tattle, the European Love God

Myq Kaplan, our resident Cunning Linguist with a barnyard friend.

The audience is either rapt or frightened into submission.

Our second favorite "justache,"(Just a mustache)Danny with his "little friend" and a chugging dude.

Danny Morsel, Combat Dancer, kicking ass and taking hostages.

Why work, indeed. The ever professional Brian Longwell

Meet Mistress Cheetah, the mean Mistreatah.

Don't get too close. This kitty will put you in a friggin headlock.

We're going all "Fight Club" MEEEOOW!

Sooooo Scary!

Robby Roadsteamer and his five fingers of fury!

Watch out, or he'll put a baby in you!

Wait, aren't we supposed to be hosting??

That's all for now, kids!

xoxoxoxoxx

niki and lainey

The best show ever

2005-07-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

Y'all better get your ripe fannies to the show tonight.

And anyone that is not a cop can come get high with us in the parking lot.

There will be lots of sexy comics and musicians for you to make out with.

Bring everyone you have ever met that is over 21!

Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner, Worcester, 9pm -2am

or check out the sweet poster on the Gigs page, dingleberry!

kisses!

Lainey and Niki

Dear Everybody,

2005-02-14T20:55:00.000-08:00

love,
The Steamies

Dear Jive Turkey,

2005-02-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

An unauthorized smear-story is being circulated about us. Dang! We prefer to authorize tabloid-style dirt, and in fact create it ourselves, but in this case we had nothing to do with it. Really. We totally didn't make this up when we were high.

An excerpt from the synopsis of the description of the treatment:

Meet Me at the White Hen Pantry. This story outlines the sordid tale of drug exchanges made by fiends desperate for reefer... and desperate to not get caught! Read about what this outlaw duo, calling themselves the "Steamy Bohemians," do for kicks!

Niki Wisdom

"I don't know if you've read a lot of fairytales, but pretty much all you had to do in olden times to be king was get the crown."

Steamy Follies

In order to make more money, the Steamies held a raffle at their last show. After realizing they had no real prize to offer but themselves, they announced the winner would get to "get high with us in the parking lot." Unfortunately, the winning ticket was held by Cambridge police officer Sean McGillis, who confiscated the illegal paraphernalia and an additional $2.50 to buy some rolling papers at the White Hen.

Dear Jive Turkey,

2005-01-21T11:36:00.000-08:00

We finally finished our new song "Second Cousin" last night, a jaunty tune about the forbidden fruit of family affairs. It was a long and painful birthing process, but Niki is convinced that it will be the Sweet Caroline to our Neil Diamond. I wonder if Neil had stretchmarks after writing his hit.

Steamy Quotes From Last Night's Show

On our future...

Niki: We're done! We're shitburg! We're going places!

On the past...

Niki: (reminiscing) I used to be a bartender. (sniffle)

Lainey: You'll always be a bartender to me.

Niki: (touched) Aw... (pause) huh?

Lainey: Now go get me a drink.

On witchcraft...

Niki and Lainey were both seperately really into witchcraft as wee steamies. They acquired as much reading material and supplies as possible.

Niki: I got disillusioned after I realized I couldn't do stuff with it.

Lainey: Me too, I was like, "I can't levitate things."

Niki: Levitate! I was like, "Why aren't you dead yet?!"

On flipper babies...

Niki: What's a coupla' flipper babies between family?

Dear Jive Turkey,

2005-01-19T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today our hopes were crushed. Again. We had to give up the throne in the beauty pageant because the judges absolutely *refused* to crown us both Queen Pretty. We told them from the beginning that we had to share the title, or neither of us could fulfill her royal duties. But they ignored our stipulation and thus we were forced to bow out, knocking over the podium in a destructive yet dainty tantrum as we went.

The Queen Pretty pageant is a brutal one; full of lies, social-climbers, and itchy fabrics. There is no room for your humanity. Puke it up with your lunch in the ladies' room.

On the up side, pageants a-plenty await our graces in the future. We will win back the twinkling eye of lady luck and poke her in it.

love,
The Steamies

Fantasy fillies on parade

2005-01-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

Steamy Namedropping!

Frank Santorelli from TV's the Sopranos thinks we talk too much and show too much boob!

Ha! Like you can ever show enough boob. He likes us, though, and has offered Lainey an alternative if things don't work out with that other guy.

Guess it's time to tone down our illegal sexiness. So illegal!

Speaking of illegal...

Niki's Steamy Survival Kit!

Visine - the whites of your eyes shouldn't be pinks.
Lip Gloss - so people are distracted by shine and look at your lips instead of your high eyes.
Perfume - so people can't smell your forbidden stink.
Eyelash Curler - It's Big-sine. Makes your eyes not look so baked.

Remember kids: Never let 'em see you sober! Then they'll never know the difference.

kisses!

The Cursed Bowl

2005-01-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

(An ocarina has been used for dramatic purposes - eerie pipe flute doo doo doo doo doo a la brady bunch goes to hawaii special)

The Scene: New Year's Eve, Harvard Square

So, As usual, after a show, the Steamies took an entourage and their parents to a smoking circle near an unnamed comedy place and a parked paddywagon.

We had just begun passing around our respective apparati when a staggering man with floppy hair and a goatee staggers by...

GOATEE GUY: Hey... youguysasmoking one-hitters?

STEAMIES: Who wants to know?

GOATEE: Me. Can I join in?

ANGELA's DRUNK HUSBAND: Hell Yeah!

STEAMIES: Uh... we guess so.

GOATEE: Don't worry, I brought my own.

5 minutes pass during which this guy shares his green and is immediately deemed "cool."

GOATEE: You girls are AWESOME!

NICOLE: (hands him business card) Come see us perform. We rule!

GOATEE: I don't live here. But thanks.

Then everyone leaves and he hands us his bowl.

GOATEE: This isn't mine. Want me to pack it for you?

STEAMIES: It's not ours.

GOATEE: Well, it's that other guy's.

STEAMIES: Oh.

Exit GOATEE who staggers away.

Nicole pockets the apparatus knowing full well that the only other guy there was our friend's husband who doesn't pack any heat.

LAINEY: This is going to come back to bite us in the ass. This is a CURSED BOWL!

NICOLE: Free bowl! Yay! (rejoices)

Then we receive this email (the name, phone number, and email address have been changed to mock him).

From: "One-hitter guy" <one@hitterguy.com>
To: info@steamybohemians.com
Subject: one hitter
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 22:43:52 -0500
hi, nicole and elaine my name is rick i talked to one of you on sunday evening regarding my one hitter that you ladies used with my friend rob w/ the goatee on new years eve. anyways im well to send u a prepaid envelope w/ my adderss on it for u to mail my one hitter. e-mail me back one@hitterguy.com or call me at 508-555-5555 to let me know if thats ok also w/ ur adderss thanks much and happy new years hear from u soon-
one-hitter guy

Fuck, Niki gave the drunk guy our Business card.

Now we have to give it back because it's cursed.

Moral of the story
Don't give out business cards to drunken strangers, peetard!!!

Happy Holidays

2004-12-18T23:18:00.001-08:00

Advice Corner

2004-12-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

Advice for us, not from us.

Niki's dad shares some fatherly wisdom about our act.

Nicole needs to be dumber, and possibly have an accent.
Obviously we are steamy, but where is the bohemian? I don't see bohemian.
Stop looking so similar.

Our Christmas List

2004-12-10T23:03:00.000-08:00

Things we don't want for Christmas:

A fucking ham
Someone having a baby in our garage
Jelly of the Month
Comments about our weight
Comments about our drinking "problem"
Anyone to tell Nanny how much pot we smoke, because she'll put Niki in rehablike the beginning scene in Girl, Interrupted.
"There's a taxi parked outside..."
"Wait, I'm not going home with you???"

Weenie Patrol

2004-12-06T23:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes men come up to us and offer advice or to pay us for sex. We feel it's important to document these experiences.

Weenie: I consider myself a person who knows who's going to make it and who isn't. You girls are great, but you need to change your look.

Steamies: What should we do?

Weenie: I don't know.

Steamies: Do you think we should dress differently?

Weenie: I don't know.

Steamies: Do you have anything of value to offer us or the world itself?

Weenie: (shrug)

Awesome advice. Thanks to Dan the weenie for this special interaction!

Steamy run-ins with the law!

2004-12-06T22:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, after Lainey and Niki finished smoking some tea outside the Hong Kong, they stepped in to the foyer so Niki could apply some visine. Before the first drop was cast, two coppers rushed in, and brushed right past the doobie stinking duo.Narrowly avoiding arrest since 1997!

Steamy quotes from last night's show

2004-12-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

"You're like the twin I didn't eat." - Niki, to Robby Roadsteamer

"I wish you were a real ponytail." - Me, to my fake ponytail.

"Hey, the audience is here!" - at the bar after the show.

"You quit!" - Instead of "you're fired." Perhaps a poor impression of Donald Trump.